Post by Spirit of the Owl Woman on Apr 9, 2008 18:13:43 GMT -5
I was searching the Internet to see if anyone else, besides me, was having a problem effectively communicating on the Internet and being misinterpreted and/or not understood.
Lo and Behold! Apparently, I am not the only one. I just didn't understand the extent until I really started researching the subject--I even read the study mentioned below.
I found two postings I thought might be helpful for those in the same boat as myself. The following post by Randall Parker speaks my sentiments exactly and BEYOND FLAMING are tips I will be more thoughtful of in the future when posting. Lavanah Smith-Judah
Do not expect your written communications to be understood.
In effect, e-mail cannot adequately convey emotion. A recent study by Profs. Justin Kruger of New York University and Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago focused on how well sarcasm is detected in electronic messages. Their conclusion: Not only do e-mail senders overestimate their ability to communicate feelings, but e-mail recipients also overestimate their ability to correctly decode those feelings.
One reason for this, the business-school professors say, is that people are egocentric. They assume others experience stimuli the same way they do. Also, e-mail lacks body language, tone of voice, and other cues - making it difficult to interpret emotion.
'A typical e-mail has this feature of seeming like face-to-face communication,' Professor Epley says. 'It's informal and it's rapid, so you assume you're getting the same paralinguistic cues you get from spoken communication.'
I see the same thing all the time in post comment discussions here and all over the blogosphere and in various discussion forum venues and the Usenet. People misinterpret my posts. They misinterpret each other. They get morally indignant and insulting. Things descend from there. I try to read my writings for alternative explanations to reduce the extent of the problem but still expect to be misunderstood some of the time.
People think they are just as clear in email as they are on the phone. How can humans be that foolish? (er, never mind, we are that foolish all the time)
So then the internet is automating the process of producing misunderstandings! We internet dwellers have more communications misunderstandings than those who still restrict their lives to the real world." By Randall Parker at 2006 May 21 12:27 PM Comm Tech Society
BEYOND FLAMING: HOW TO FIGHT FAIR ONLINE
posted on the Netdynam mailing list 6/96; revised 4/97
by Tracy Marks, Boston area psychotherapist and Internet trainer
Feeling hurt or angry after reading an blog posting/email message from friend, family member, colleague or online acquaintance? Here are twelve guidelines for conflict resolution via email - many of them also useful for in-person relationships.
1. Clarify the INTENT of your communication. Is it primarily to justify yourself or are you seeking resolution with the other party? Can you do both?
2. Try to maintain AWARENESS of the other person on the receiving end, and the effect your communication is likely to have upon him or her. Attempt to be conscious of both SELF and OTHER as you write.
3. Write as DIRECTLY and clearly as possible. Consider how the other person might misinterpret your language, and take more time to explain thoughts that might easily be misinterpreted.
4. If the other person understands them, use EMOTICONS or other forms of Internet shorthand (such as <grin> <frown> <wink) if doing so helps clarify your communication. Sometimes, using emoticons (such as :-) for smiling, or :-( for frowning) understood by both parties can help lighten the interaction, and ease the conflict. If the other person doesn't understand the emoticon, you can still use it - just indicate its meaning!
5. Establish some EMPATHIC resonance with the other person first....agreeing or joining him in his thoughts or feelings, before moving away and further explaining your point of view. Don't start by putting him on the defensive. Let him know you hear him.
6. Be aware that due to your personal history, and the fears or desires that you hold in regard to the other person, that you may misinterpret his or her message. If you're not sure about his or her meaning or intent, communicate your confusion. ASK before you make assumptions which may not be accurate, and before you treat those assumptions as if they are fact.
7. Take RESPONSIBILITY for your part in the conflict, and try to find and express the part of yourself that generally regrets the role you played, and wishes to meet the other halfway. If you know you are overreacting, acknowledge it (and the past baggage you carry). APOLOGIZE...honestly and sincerely.
8. DON'T HIT below the belt. If you know the other person's vulnerabilities, stay away from them, as tempted as you may feel to score a bull’s eye. If you need to do so, write a long email message targeting the other person head-on, then delete it...or city girl to your offline friends. Don't send a response until you have at least some investment in ending the battle, rather than merely intensifying it.
9. If you need TIME to work through your raw feelings or clarify your reactions and thoughts or to feel ready to communicate openly with the other person, take the time. Take as long as you need. If you can. Let the other person know you need time out to process, and will return when you've cooled off and are ready to engage in a real attempt at resolution.
10. Don't get lost in the content of the argument. Stay close to how you feel and how the other person feels. Aim to heal the hurt or angry FEELINGS rather than change the other's perception of reality. He/she may not be able to see your point of view.
11. If a part of you seeks the other person's validation, take the time with yourself to VALIDATE yourself, and let go of attachment to their response. If you need some validation from others before you can do such letting go, then communicate with a friend who is not involved in the conflict and seek validation from him or her.
12. Know when to LET GO. You may not be able to change another person's perceptions or interpretations of a situation, and may have to validate yourself or look for validation elsewhere if the other person can't fully grasp your point of view.
Aim to ACCEPT your differences and your separateness, to let go of the issue, to say, "Ok, this is my experience, and this is yours, and we're not going to get anywhere by pursuing this further. We have different perceptions and memories. So I'll allow you to exist with a different reality than my own reality, and hopefully we can both move on...."
Lo and Behold! Apparently, I am not the only one. I just didn't understand the extent until I really started researching the subject--I even read the study mentioned below.
I found two postings I thought might be helpful for those in the same boat as myself. The following post by Randall Parker speaks my sentiments exactly and BEYOND FLAMING are tips I will be more thoughtful of in the future when posting. Lavanah Smith-Judah
Do not expect your written communications to be understood.
In effect, e-mail cannot adequately convey emotion. A recent study by Profs. Justin Kruger of New York University and Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago focused on how well sarcasm is detected in electronic messages. Their conclusion: Not only do e-mail senders overestimate their ability to communicate feelings, but e-mail recipients also overestimate their ability to correctly decode those feelings.
One reason for this, the business-school professors say, is that people are egocentric. They assume others experience stimuli the same way they do. Also, e-mail lacks body language, tone of voice, and other cues - making it difficult to interpret emotion.
'A typical e-mail has this feature of seeming like face-to-face communication,' Professor Epley says. 'It's informal and it's rapid, so you assume you're getting the same paralinguistic cues you get from spoken communication.'
I see the same thing all the time in post comment discussions here and all over the blogosphere and in various discussion forum venues and the Usenet. People misinterpret my posts. They misinterpret each other. They get morally indignant and insulting. Things descend from there. I try to read my writings for alternative explanations to reduce the extent of the problem but still expect to be misunderstood some of the time.
People think they are just as clear in email as they are on the phone. How can humans be that foolish? (er, never mind, we are that foolish all the time)
So then the internet is automating the process of producing misunderstandings! We internet dwellers have more communications misunderstandings than those who still restrict their lives to the real world." By Randall Parker at 2006 May 21 12:27 PM Comm Tech Society
BEYOND FLAMING: HOW TO FIGHT FAIR ONLINE
posted on the Netdynam mailing list 6/96; revised 4/97
by Tracy Marks, Boston area psychotherapist and Internet trainer
Feeling hurt or angry after reading an blog posting/email message from friend, family member, colleague or online acquaintance? Here are twelve guidelines for conflict resolution via email - many of them also useful for in-person relationships.
1. Clarify the INTENT of your communication. Is it primarily to justify yourself or are you seeking resolution with the other party? Can you do both?
2. Try to maintain AWARENESS of the other person on the receiving end, and the effect your communication is likely to have upon him or her. Attempt to be conscious of both SELF and OTHER as you write.
3. Write as DIRECTLY and clearly as possible. Consider how the other person might misinterpret your language, and take more time to explain thoughts that might easily be misinterpreted.
4. If the other person understands them, use EMOTICONS or other forms of Internet shorthand (such as <grin> <frown> <wink) if doing so helps clarify your communication. Sometimes, using emoticons (such as :-) for smiling, or :-( for frowning) understood by both parties can help lighten the interaction, and ease the conflict. If the other person doesn't understand the emoticon, you can still use it - just indicate its meaning!
5. Establish some EMPATHIC resonance with the other person first....agreeing or joining him in his thoughts or feelings, before moving away and further explaining your point of view. Don't start by putting him on the defensive. Let him know you hear him.
6. Be aware that due to your personal history, and the fears or desires that you hold in regard to the other person, that you may misinterpret his or her message. If you're not sure about his or her meaning or intent, communicate your confusion. ASK before you make assumptions which may not be accurate, and before you treat those assumptions as if they are fact.
7. Take RESPONSIBILITY for your part in the conflict, and try to find and express the part of yourself that generally regrets the role you played, and wishes to meet the other halfway. If you know you are overreacting, acknowledge it (and the past baggage you carry). APOLOGIZE...honestly and sincerely.
8. DON'T HIT below the belt. If you know the other person's vulnerabilities, stay away from them, as tempted as you may feel to score a bull’s eye. If you need to do so, write a long email message targeting the other person head-on, then delete it...or city girl to your offline friends. Don't send a response until you have at least some investment in ending the battle, rather than merely intensifying it.
9. If you need TIME to work through your raw feelings or clarify your reactions and thoughts or to feel ready to communicate openly with the other person, take the time. Take as long as you need. If you can. Let the other person know you need time out to process, and will return when you've cooled off and are ready to engage in a real attempt at resolution.
10. Don't get lost in the content of the argument. Stay close to how you feel and how the other person feels. Aim to heal the hurt or angry FEELINGS rather than change the other's perception of reality. He/she may not be able to see your point of view.
11. If a part of you seeks the other person's validation, take the time with yourself to VALIDATE yourself, and let go of attachment to their response. If you need some validation from others before you can do such letting go, then communicate with a friend who is not involved in the conflict and seek validation from him or her.
12. Know when to LET GO. You may not be able to change another person's perceptions or interpretations of a situation, and may have to validate yourself or look for validation elsewhere if the other person can't fully grasp your point of view.
Aim to ACCEPT your differences and your separateness, to let go of the issue, to say, "Ok, this is my experience, and this is yours, and we're not going to get anywhere by pursuing this further. We have different perceptions and memories. So I'll allow you to exist with a different reality than my own reality, and hopefully we can both move on...."